Wanjiku came to dialogue on sexual offences; all she heard was their Vagina monologue…….
Of all the peculiar habits of Kenyans, the one that gets me all miffed is forgetfulness. Kenyans are incorrigibly and pathologically forgetful.
Every Kenyan has an opinion on last night’s news. Everyone wants to be seen riding on the crest of the day’s euphoria. Our adrenaline burns on today’s Marga-this as yesterday's Githongo and the previous day’s Referendum and what have you take the back burner. We never dwell on an issue long enough to learn from it, yet history, painfully repeats itself. Who cares? We are people of the moment. Yeah, no wonder- same ass different dick- we stay shafted!
Like swing through the Kenyan Blogosphere on any given Monday- same issues, same perspectives. (It is a sort of ‘aggregated tautology’) Then kicks in the back-slapping-I-agree-with-yous- of the comment boxes. Everyone is on the same script. It’s like a poor-kenya-support-group-come-soak-your-mouse-pads-till-the-next-post! No, it is more like a transcript of the past weekend’s barroom conversations.
(Oh, but Kenyans are inveterate barroom Intellectuals; Commissioners of Inquiry and Eminent Persons.)
Now that the Sexual Offences Bill proved to be a Premature Ejaculation, that was quickly forgotten, I uncap- unsheathe?- my pen and work its plunger to tumescence…
If you were to listen to our nascent ‘feminists’, you would take it for an inalienable fact that the male member- of parliament?- considers the term Sexual offence an Oxymoron. That is obviously a blatant misrepresentation by individuals who chose to take Penis Envy literary. Allow me then to posit that even though (Patriarchal) folk wisdom has it that a hard-on has no conscience, there are many amongst the male of the species who can subdue their primal instincts via their superego. Men who are- NGO speak back atcha- Consensus Builders.
Nevertheless, of men’s reaction to the SOB, much has been said; of its merits- or lack thereof- a lot more. The Bill was passed, anyway, but by that time it was too emasculate- and I apply my choice of word there- to bother us. Besides, some titled colonial relic had shot a dog or something which kept our mouths otherwise engaged.
Because by the time of the Bills passage it had long left the realm of National Debate, I cannot categorically say that there are those people who felt that in its redrafting, their baby had been thrown out with the placenta. I also then cannot say that there are those who made a joyful noise with the realisation that the words cruel and unusual would not be used to describe their foreplay.
Then one question I couldn’t answer, though was, who were this so called Feminists? Of course I have heard of feminists, it is the kind of thing I have read in the International News pages or pulp fiction. In Kenya, though, I didn’t imagine that we had feminists- only Maendeleo ya wanawake and that chama thingy for buying sufurias and njahis. The women that I know do not describe themselves as feminists and neither do they fit the feminist mould as I conceive it.
I have heard that in the West, feminists do not shave their armpits. Neither do the women in my village. I do not know why they do not do it in the West but I know that the girls in my village do not shave their armpits because they cannot afford Veeto or a Bic razor.
I read that feminists In the West used to have rallies where they burnt their bras, but when I walk down Tom Mboya Street, all I see is Wanjiku- who cannot tell a D cup from a melamine one- trying out… “Fifty bob! Fifty bob! Bei ya nyanya….”
Since I, P. Mwananchi, only knows wanjiku, then I can assume that Kenyan feminists belong to a yuppie-True Love- Eve- reading- Minority. (You know the type: Basic Pay- 60,000; Car Loan- 30,000; Rent- 20,000; Food/ Utilities- Who knows?)
These ones can roll down to the Carnivore in their Starlets for an evening of Vagina Monologues. These ones say that the O is for Orgasm, yet their mothers thought it was for Ovulation- they were child bearing machines, you know!
I am told that the feminists have dildos- purchased with credit cards over the internet obviously because even studded condoms are technically illegal in Kenya. What I wonder is that since the feminist are so trendily, politically correct, are their dildos from alternative- consumer- natural- manufacturers?
Id Est., are the dildos:
a) Environmentally friendly, non- CFC, non- GM?
b) Manufactured under fair trade agreements and not in Chinese Sweatshops?
c) Tested on animals…lol… Human Beasts?
Finally, do any of them call their mothers after the Vagina Monologues?
Ah, mambo makubwa… kuna nini huko mwanangu?
Mama, Ku— inaongea peke yake…!
(Come on Ms. Femme, say Vagina in your mother tongue… say it loud!)
How can Ms. Femme make her mother understand? Her conformist and conservative mother who has always shrugged her shoulders and clung, subserviently to the self same Female Genital Mutilating traditions designed to clip her wings and her clitoris.