Tuesday, February 07, 2006

CAVEAT EMPTOR


Yesu Kristo Ltd. For sale as a going concern. YKL- trading as Church of God, Kenya- is a fully established church with branches in all major stadiums and market centers. Owner leaving for the United Kingdom at the behest of Her Majesty’s Government to serve as an “in- house spiritual Advisor to the prison system”.

The Church is for sale on an As Is Where Is basis and the following details though not warranted, exist through faith. Yesu Kristo Ltd has a well-heeled clientele and the church owns the only Matatus allowed into our premises.

Our congregation, who we refer to as clients, is pleasantly God- fearing. This makes them follow The Bible without questioning. One section of the scriptures that they have embraced like a miracle baby is tithing. After lengthy fire and brimstone sermons on why the Prophets wife must buy another Mercedes, the clients have offered to tithe ten (10) percent of their income and/ or Fifteen Thousand Shillings, whichever is higher- every month.

To further glorify God and also as a part of our Corporate Social Responsibility, we engage in ‘Crusades’ and missions to the neighbourhoods. This has enabled us to take the Gospel to those who would otherwise no be able to afford our main service. In view of the stiff competition, from other players, for the souls of this demographic group, we have acquired state of the art sound systems that are loud enough to send Francis Sigei in search of solace at the nearest bar.

Further to our calling to community service, we believe that all the projects we support must be self- sustaining. In this regard, we have achieved great success in our mission of taking the Gospel to the underprivileged. At our Crusades, we now accept offerings not only in cash but also in kind. Mobile phones have been a particular Godsend such that we are in the process of lobbying Government friendly M.Ps for the creation of an organized used phone market so that we can maximize our returns after sale of the phones presented to us by our clients.

The church also has the largest money- doubling facility in Sub- Saharan Africa (Outside of Nigeria) Recently we have ‘re-branded’ our ushers who we prefer to refer to as ‘Customer Service Officers’ Finally, we have engaged the services of a renowned Hip Hop artiste- Dunda Mode- and are in the process of releasing his first hit single: ‘Mikono Juu Kwa Yesu’

For further details, please contact the Prophet through the Premium Rate number listed hereunder. You are advised to make haste before his extradition papers are signed.

7 comments:

Brother Jero (BJ) said...

Reader beware, hey just surfing and found myself first in on your blog. Will sure visit you again.

POTASH said...

Brother Jero, Thanks for reading. I blog because I find words cathartic. Writing this, is for me, an end in itself. But I am greatful for people who are taking time to read.
Will love to have you pass by more often.

Sammie said...

Yesu Kristo Ltd. LOL.
Amen! You sure tell it as it is. ! You forgot to mention the Crazy-A@s Pianist whose sole job description is to torture our poor souls with his/her Electric contraption, playing all the wrong notes! hooked up to the speakers. There should be a law against noise pollution!

Enjoyin myself thoroughly. Will be back.

acolyte said...

I have been anti-organised religion for a long long time even before that whole Deya fiasco coz even in Kenya all these preachers claim to sell you the secrets to success in exchange for a "love gift"

POTASH said...

Lol@ Sammie.
What crazy a%% pianist, we are a High Street church. Our equipment is tuned bi- annually by a sound engineer from Sony- Outer Mongolia.
We only use Dolby 5.1. I think you must be attending a Jevanjee type operation. Switch my brother. Switch! The glory is here...

lol

POTASH said...

Acolyte: I been wondering are you a Jedi "Acolyte", a mutant from marvel comics, or you jumped out of Frank Herbert's DUNE? lol

Anyway, Acolyte, thanks for a return visit. I hereby ordain you an Acolyte in my disreligious order. lol.

theemmas said...

Y.K.L. so spot on!!! u sound like a victim...gr8 going potash; i am liking. i am getting to misunderstand u more and more, thus u are fulfilling your main objective. (lol!) looking forward to more.