Wednesday, January 10, 2007

WORLD SOCIAL SCROTUM

“I am gonna save the world folks!” screams John no Dough to no one in particular. “Get a fucking job, loser!” the trailer park warden yells back as he hurls a baseball through the polythene make believe window of the battered Winnebago. John no Dough’s partner who is squatting outside peeing- at one with nature or the debris strewn simulacrum of it- flips the warden a birdie and lights herself a king size joint.

John no Dough opens the trailer’s door with much screaming of aged hinges and pauses at the threshold to squint into the wintry day. He sees her, now standing her hair in sexy dishevel and her eyes mascaraed with that ethereal glaze that was his waterloo the first time he saw her. The look she wore as she held her ground against a truncheon wielding foot soldier of Global Capital in some long forgotten battle ground: New York, Davos or fucking Oshkosh, who cares? Her photo had made the front pages in her mid-western home county and though it wasn’t exactly the fucking New York Times; the photo still looked good pasted above the decrepit washbasin, of the Winnebago, in lieu of a mirror.

He clambers down the makeshift stairs still baffled by their continuing ability to hold his weight. The next moment he is looming ten inches above her and fondling her multiple-gang bangs-survivor-titties with one hand and plying the joint off her stained paws with the other. He puts the joint to his mouth holding it without a roach clip because, as he is often heard saying, “roach clips are for sissies… what the fuck do I look like, Bill Clinton?”

“Aurora!” He mouths.

Aurora-Woodstock Flint. That’s the girl’s name; her mother brought the ovules and her daddy brought the acid. “Too bad he was gone when the trip was over… the other one too… and the other... damn, what a summer it was!” was her mother’s mantra until Aurora shipped her off to a mental home and made her way to New York mainly on her back.

“We are gonna save the world, Aurora!” John no Dough says. ”Yeah”, Aurora responds. “We are going to Africa.”

“Yeah, Yeah,” John no Dough muses as he blows plumes of smoke in the general direction of Africa. Then he grins at her and all the while scratching the perpetual itch in his groin and nodding at her as though in admiration. “What will I catch from her this time?” he wonders. In New Delhi it was gonorrhoea; herpes in Cancun, maybe in Africa it will be the big one: AIDS!

****
AIDS, now that would be a badge of honour; bigger than a bleeding Purple Heart from Iraq. It would make John and Aurora feel better than all those mercenaries and looters in Africa; fucked up common thieves from the geo-political North flying under Globalisation, AGOA and WTO flags of convenience and returning home with blood diamonds.

John no Dough hates the new face of colonialism: Multi-Nationals, IMF, Pfizer and the motherfucking Republicans. (By the way, how come every one of these bleeding heart Americans crawling all over Africa are adamant that they didn’t vote for Bush? Maybe he wouldn’t have gotten re-elected if all of you stayed home and voted. Unless you all needed him and his non policy on Africa to keep you donor funded!)

***
Anyway the world is full of all these farts with Messianic Complexes always forgetting that all Messiahs end up dead anyway. I mean look at Jesus. Kwanza him, despite a cruel and unnecessary death and 2000 years of post-humous infamy, the fellow cannot sell more t-shirts than Harry Potter.

I think there are three kinds of Messiahs and the smart, Pop Idol, ones have side gigs: Bono sells records, Oprah sells self esteem to fat American women and now thanks to Madonna & Brangelina Messiahs Inc, you can order an African baby from a Gap store near you. (Conditions Apply. The RED thingum is a registered trademark of Poverty is Their History LLC)

The other type is those who went to college and realised some where along the way that it takes more than a degree and foppishness to hack it on Wall Street. But they went to school be to some sort of card carrying executive or other- so they joined Save Africa Plc where all you needed to do to balance the cash book was write a funding proposal.

For instance there is this guy that works for a subsidiary of Save Africa called UNEP whose mandate is to organise talking shops on environment, climate and whatever. For reasons more ridiculous than the weather forecast, UNEP headquarters is in a hardship station called Nairobi, Africa (Africa is a country, duh!) So in order to fulfill his mandate, our guy and his colleagues live in a clearing in the middle of Karura forest. Of course there is no conflict of interest there because all the trees were used to make paper for them to push. As for the luxurious hard wood fittings in their living rooms…

The final type of messiah is that of the lowlife John and Aurora- latter day hippies- variety. These ones join the world’s largest travelling circus- The World Social Scrotum. The World Social Scrotum is an eclectic mix of crackers and varicoloured crack heads from the North who purport to be its conscience which is really sweet of them until they decide to air that dirty laundry in our (re)public.

***

Ah… but now I have chokad and I need to get this post done away with and get on with today's booze quota… so I will interrupt this garbage to bring you all a public service message from the General Caucus of Nairobi’s Finest.

Nairobi’s Finest a collective of Pimps, Pushers, Hustlers and gangland executives are purveyors of shit to sixteen diplomatic missions and the fucking Peace Corps. We are also suppliers of willing (the court records prove it) Samburu women to Her Royal Majesty’s Armed Forces. Tight arsed young Native lads, mountain Gorillas and other beasts are also available for those of an exotic palate.

The General Caucus of Nairobi’s finest would like to inform all the delegates to the World Social Scrotum that we are the official Shit suppliers to the conference. We do not welcome you to our city but you are gonna come anyway, so what the fuck- to jack you will be our pleasure! We are aware that you are used to crappy greenhouse marijuana and are pleased to inform you that sixteen forty foot containers of Export Grade Busia Gold are currently in transit to Nairobi under the armed escort of our legendary corrupt police department.

In other news and in the spirit of fighting Globalisation; the inequitable distribution of capital and in working towards an Open Society, I relinquish my Intellectual Property Rights to the following t-shirt slogan:

World Social Scrotum: Don’t Come to Africa, Send Money.*




*Fine Print: Only Applicable if Merchandise is clearly marked “Not for Sale”

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Damn ,i enjoy this.
Aniwe its a pity of how the currnt situation puts us into fix,we're probably the victims of these undesserted situations.

aegeus said...

Brilliant post! If only they would read this post and send the money instead! Very well put!

Anonymous said...

LOL... make sure there is more... during and after the conference/forum!

njoki said...

Wow! seems to be all I'm capable of at this time.Write on!!

Bantutu said...

Ati AIDS 'ld be better than a bleeding purple heart from Newyork!!Hihi...Unazidi kudungilia marealities kwa noticeboard vinoma!! Wathii wanasota alafu wanakumbuka kuna kitu yuu itwa peace corps...Ati ni kuchapa dush mbili na mawe moja...(1)Waishi kaa mamissionary...Noble work!! "Get your broke ass up outta Africa!!"
(2)Ata nimesahau io ingine...Makupe tu!!
Alafu kuna io samthing ya Africa ni country..."Am going to Africa"...Lakini kaa ni Uropa: "Am going to Paris(ata wana specify city)...World social scrotum NGAMIAS!!!

Amber said...

Loved it! Loved it! Loved it!
Only makes sense if like me there is a hustle you can get out of having 100,000 foriegners in Nai for the week. Like the Busia Gold or the Royal Premium Quality Muguka!

Anonymous said...

Globalisation indeed…and yet we genuflect at the altars that are AGOA, THE BANK, the IMF the UN and so on, not realizing that we’re the fatted, (or the emancipated) calves being readied for the abattoir. And, as we sing praises to the integration of humankind, we fail to see that all these agreements and treaties are the first cousins of imperialism, and while globalisation cannot be blamed, entirely, for the world’s -especially our THIRD world- quandary, it certainly exacerbates it……in simpler terms, it is BS, Sugar-coated, but BS nonetheless...the BS, that pays my bills.

Anonymous said...

Damn talk of poetic justice. As bantu said makupe tu, when you preach to save that which you at the same time leech from. Ahh its just too annoying. And for support am so going to get a tee with that slogan.

Anonymous said...

Happy New year! looking forward to some great reading.
On the world social "Scrotum"
My sentiments exactly! couldnt have expressed it better than this. I have had the unfortunate NIGHTMARE of working with the conference conveners and some so called delegates...CRAP! CRAP!
But i am looking forward to the concert!

Anonymous said...

so true. Clearly a case of the left hand trying to make up it's mind whether to give while the right hand takes takes and takes.

Anonymous said...

It bugs me that attendees of such conferences are referred to as "Experts."

theemmas said...

Your blog has NGO potential. It is subjective, analytical and imbalanced. Love it!

NB. Jesus does not need a publicity stunt to prove his authenticity.

Anonymous said...

brilliant writing Potash.
however let me be the token dissenting voice on this issue. There are some true sentiments in your anger / disgust aimed at the 'white/western' african savior, but where are is the solution?
Don't get me wrong our problems will not be solved by outsiders.
However continued bitching and arrogance by many including me without offering solutions is nothing but empty words.

peace,
3N

Rista said...

Dude... you is still mad lyrical (head nodding)... guess the fame and fortune ain't gotten to you yet??
LOL at "don't come to africa, send money" had a chat with a beach boy who couldn't believe how much his irish squeeze was going to spend on a week-long trip to kenya. Wanted to tell her just that... "don't come, send money instead".

Vee said...

Boss you are on point! Ebu send me that t-shirt for the cause... make sure it has the red dot otherwise it will make my cause futile!!! LOL

Vee said...

Boss, you are on point!!! Ebu send me a t-shirt but make sure it has a red dot otherwise my donation to the cause won't be worth it. LOL. Harsh...

Anonymous said...

I think that all the Americans in Africa probably DIDN'T vote for Bush. They appear to be mostly democrats. It goes with the 'save the world' volunteer profile. Republicans are the wealthy, business minded, money in my own pocket variety of yank.. the demoncrats tend to vote for universal health care and social services.. none of which Bush cares about. Maybe the democrats are just in Africa waiting for Bush to leave office?

Africa's a country right? - ha! It was lovely chatting with you last week. I'll be in touch. Insulting people is a funny way to pick up girls.. but it makes a nice change. Your arguments are fair. B