Monday, November 27, 2006

YOUNG URBAN POLYSEXUAL*

I am standing by Mama Hannah’s simu ya jamii wondering who to flash. Sitting at One Love Licker (sic) Store, earlier, I crossed off one number from my dirt smeared notebook for every mug of senator I guzzled. Ten mugs; ten connections with my past severed. Now I am standing here braving one convulsive fit of bleary-eyed hiccough after another. My chest is tight, not from smoking all those halflifes of Supermatch and Safari that my grubby paws have twiddled with, but tight with emotion.

I am scared, scared of being alone.

There is no one to flash; no one to talk to except… except N-. N-! But N- is in France! Damn, how do you say Flash Back 130 in Français?

Fuzzy memories of yesterday. My afternoon bar hopping found me in Hurlingham. So I passed by this Muhindi sweatshop where I used to stack boxes of contraband computer parts in January. The Muhindi is off to Canada to blow his latest couple of millions. But the monkeys, the monkeys are still there slaving away- a testament to the Potashian Theory of Economic Stagnation: It takes a million monkeys a million years of stacking boxes to make themselves a million shillings. So for now they settle for 5,499/- a month (or nothing, in case one breaks a 200/= mouse!)

I bought us all a 750 ml of Kenya King and we drank to… well, must we drink to something? Si ni fombe tu! Okay, let’s say we drank to ambition or the lack thereof…

But was I really in Hurlingham to see these folks? I do not know really, but picture this: Yesterday morning as I sat at Dimosh’s Kinyozi halflifing; tipping used cans to catch stray drops from the previous night’s Napshizzle and sharing masturbatory experiences, I received a message from an ex-girlfriend on Dimosh’s cellie. Now this is someone who looked me in the eye many years ago and asked: Potash, what can you do for me?

Now they are all jumping out off the woodwork trying to catch a Piece of the P. They have heard rumours- unconfirmed of course- that the Young Urban Poser is soon to hit the big one. So they all want to come in,the vultures, come in early because they know that Potash is a supernova- when his star shines it’s only for a second. Potash has an infinite capacity to self destruct. That should explain to you how I came to be branded a Casanova, it is because when they want me, they all want me. And there I am in the limelight with all these public relationships, then I slip; tumble; fall and the Potash appeal is gone long before the Trust condom has reached the Dandora Dumpsite.

Well, the ex-girlfriend- she lives in Hurlingham- texted to say: “Hey P. am Digs. solo. Cam wi catch (up)… hint! Hint!.Miss U. XX

Dayum. I rushed off to Uchumi and shoplifted two ‘halves’ of Kenya Cane. Yeah, that there is the drink for special moments. I poured some on the kinyozi’s floor as libation to the god of horny polysexual men. Then I passed the bottles around as I regaled the boys- in graphic detail- with made up tales of my last night with this ex. Man, we drank to that; then wanked to that… Geez, the shop floor was soon more slippery than a post-combi pussy.

Someone lit a joint.
Guttural ejaculations all around.

With the luck of one in a billion spermatozoa, I managed to escape that barbershop cannabis free and lunge my puny frame into the warm, dark, welcoming depths of M- Pub. Yeah, I was in the mood for frotho. Man, with 4,652/- Kenya money and six sticks of Supermatch, I was living it, no?

“Okay, Tony, leta Pitcher, na wale mababi… hawana dough… wapatie kimoja!”

I nyonyad that pint-o like a warm matiti.

Then I hit tao.

Ati tao ya down? Shidwe. Ish si I had lavash, so it’s huko west of Kenyatta Avenue and south of Kimathi Street. The place was kinda slow juu watu wa ma-suti were going through that time of the month. Alafu Arsenal and Manchester weren’t playing but I couldn’t find out why.

I had two Malts… slowly. Then I borrowed a light from this guy at the bar despite the fact that I had one of my own. He had a really cool lighter. Quite sexy. Wished I could have it. I returned it though and bought him a beer. I bought him a beer just because I thought he was kinda cute. Then… ish, I got out of there, Kwani?

I staggered to Serena. Nikapata boy wangu hapo; msee wa base lakini sijui anaitwa.

“Ah, Potash leo niachie kinde…!” he semad.
“Ah, kinde tu… si udai kaa soo hivi!” Nikamshow.
“Mmmm, ati soo; Potash utoe soo wapi?”

I gave the motherfucker a 2 soc and jumped into a mat. I am sure the dude fainted, well at least baadayes at Kijiji- changaa ya soo mbili, kizee!

Haya, Hurlingham, kushuka na jam… sawa, I shukad. I lengad paying; matatu ya Kawangware nilipe nikufe! The mama's digs is on that Karoad for cop station- Jabavu or something- which is tricky because Kilimani PD has had an APB out on Potash, The, for about a decade. It is flattering, really, you know like Billy the Kid, I always say that: Dead or alive, it is nice to be wanted. And it is a line I throw at stuck up females who do not want me ati coz I am too ghetto, sijui a lowlife. “Girl you might not want me but four Five-O divisions in this city do!”

Anyway, niko Hurlingham. This mama’s digs is on Jabavu alafu I kumbuka I haven’t been to see the boys I used to work with in a while. The Muhindi sweatshop is huko Chaka Road. Eureka! Look here, this is the plan, see... I will tembea up Arghwings Kodhek, ingia Chaka. Hola at those boys. Nitupe kimoja alafu I walk down jabavu. That way I will not pass by the Five-Os.

***

Ehe, walaps. Bado mnavumilia, eh? Musyoka panda bike haraka… Yaya… 750. Manze. Wah, these punks have downloaded new porn. Oh la la! Musyoka panda bike… ai ai ai aaaai!
Wekelea.

Aki that dude looks like Timi… sindio? Yule boy wangu wa mtaa!
Eh, by the way…!
But Timi is bigger… huh!
Bigger, yeah.. wah… cheki hiyo…!
Ako poa
Poaaaaaaaaa!

***

I came to this morning at Jamo’s house as sticky between the legs as an SJ whore. To shower or not to shower, that was the question. I skived shawi but I had to have loads of alcohol to wash away the taste of semen and after shave from my mouth.


*For a working defination of Polysexualism, refer:
Pathologies of Dysfunction and Savagery- The sexual Lives of Low Class Nairobi Youth; Fraud, Sigmund, (1903)

26 comments:

waridi said...

Hey Potash, me thinks i jua you. Did you go to main campo Nai by any chance? tis a small world indeed!! if u did go there. Anyway, hit me up on my blog and we can exchange contacts sivyo?

POTASH said...

Well, you probably know me from Hard Rock, but that doesn't mean I was in Campo.. well, I have heard that vibe before...but that is everyone's shauri. Me Mtaa Senior School till I die!

Gish said...

Rumor has it that you still have some of that lavash in loose change, pass some on this way you know NCBD on your way back to ghetto . LOL @how do you say Flash Back 130 in Françoise?

Majonzi said...

Lol... now this polysexualism does sound very Nairobberish!! :-D

Girl next door said...

Muhindi sweatshops: a very appropriate description.
A drink (or ten) would be essential to deal with the frustration of working to make someone else richer. Survival I guess...
Funny how when you have one admirer, five more flock by but when they leave, they're all gone.

Amber said...

Polysexualism! Tut tut Potash. In the meantime, long live 'unhomophobicness'.
Once again, you gone and done it.

Anonymous said...

One more from the master. Very descriptive statement right there, "...to wash away the taste of semen and after shave from my mouth." What went down over there is stuff for another post!

POTASH said...

@Gish: maybe N- will read this and call Mama Hanah's simu ya jamii- then I will ask how to say Flash Back 130 in Francoise- nitakushow.
As for the lavash, niliwaka change jana na kuanza sasa niko na bill huko One Love na mbao ya mama samaki.
as they used to say in ancient Rome: vanitas vanitatum omnia vanitas... ganji na sifa ni za shorti time!

@Majonzi... enda soma hiyo kitabu ya Sigmund Fraud, he taught me at Mtaa Senior School: (Paranormal Sex 101)

@At girl, once again: all is vanita.. girls they come they go- or maybe I should say: sic transit gloria Mundi... so i got drunk and screaming: In Vino Veritas, i gave my ghetto gospel as it were!!

@Amber; Is that the best you can do. Spill the beans- what you call yourself a fan for, huh? And yeah yeah... Ave unhomophobicness

@Aegus: One in every hundred men can put their dicks in their mouths... and men do shave their pubic hair. Well, what were you thinking?

Anonymous said...

@Pota nimeradika mbovu....This was hot reading...Lakini enyewe ulisiaga usanga gani kwa ex ama ata haukufika juu ya porn,hihi!!...niaje kutukatia extacy?
Uyo boyz wa Serena wa Kinde najua alipata wings bana...Unamwachia rwabe!!We msugu..hihi!!
Nautulize mtindi bana...
Mat ya ungwaro io githaa,naelewa...nina 1st-hand xpirience na mat za Jerri..chuja-less in the black of nite...
Shukran ju ya kufika maskan...

POTASH said...

Bantutu: Porn na mzinga ka tatu, si huyo Ex labda aingie bafu....mimi; fobe yangu; majamaa... au sio?

Jana nilikuwa naenda Hurlingham hapo Serena naambiwa ati boy wamine hajaonekana, siku mbili; unajua soo mbili inaweza chukua mudi na malaya- labda bado anajibonda. Akisota si atarudi, base. Ama labda aliingia mtaro, mzee.. manzee raundi ya kuwaka mashimoni na mvua, si ni noma!

Sasa hiyo mtindi manze raundi hii ni juu ya vile weekend mroro.. si unashika hiyo story kwa maskan. Hiyo support group Kizee, ama niendelee tu kuwasha.

Anonymous said...

Support grup inanichekesha...Wathii wanaleta ma-wisdom za stregnth...hihi!! Eee mtindi lazma iwaiwe...labda ata ntakam kujivinjari mdogo tao!!

Klara said...

Hi post yako ni noma!!!am still in stiches ati mat za Kawangware ulipe ukufe!!LOL!
Hio support group am joinin, lets unite save bantutu!LOL-

Shiroh said...

almost leaving a blank comment.

Ngai fafa whats that weed they feed the Potashius on?

Potash ati you kumbatad that guy 2sok, aki i will tempt you next time.
You cant afford a 1000 then i get kindu 5g's.

Lets just say you never got any on that nite.

Mamsillaz of Nrb are like that. Once they hear Kafame of a dude they want to keep in touch. Me i say kwendeni huko ..

N- said...

chouchou, Mama Hanah seems to have lengad answering 'private calls'.
Flash back 130-we haven't figured out an equivalent yet..uhm, i guess Mama Hanah will just have to say "Rappelle moi loulou" :D

Stephen said...

What's up, Potash! I've made a copy so that I can read it at my desk.

Anonymous said...

GRRRRRR....
Blogger de mierda...¡No puedo comentar respecto a mi propio sitio!
It is my blog... duh...let me in, Blogger!

@Bantu: tunavumilia... Support Group ni ya sure lakini isipo jipa basi tunawasha, mbovu. Utanipata tao ya down juu ganji ishakatika. South Tetu na KiSenator!

@Klara: Shika tano. Support group tuko pamoja kama matako!

@Shiro: Mkojo yangu ni safi kaa ya Deborah Donde.
Hahaha ati unitoanishe?... Parental Advisory: ukinikaribia, chunga mfuko.
Hiyo story ingine labda ujijazie; lakini life is not all about getting laid!
As for madame wa Nai...ahh, si ni walaghai!

@N-: je ne comprends pas ce que voulez dire vous le chou...lol... mais le mama Hannah peut aller la baise elle-même ! Nous toujours dessus, bien ?

@Steve: Knock yourself out.

Stephen Bess said...

This was cool! Raw and uncut like I remembered and I learned a little something about Freud's take on all this. I'll be through. Peace~

Gish said...

Aki you have made my day wewe na bantutu mmechizi.Nimecheka mbaya
Aside: Blogger beta ana ushoste.

POTASH said...

@S. Bess: tut!tut! You disappoint me. It is worth noting that there are no typos, anachronisms or malapropisms on this blog. So pray tell what's Freud got to do with anything!

@Gish: Yeah.. blogger is fucked up for sho'. Anyway, gish, you really should gimme a shout sometime.

Njoki said...

excellent. call me naive, but men don't really jerk-off together... do they? and what is a post-combi pussy? Of course you don't have to answer, but I like to learn something new everyday. ever the fervent fan!

POTASH said...

lOL @ Njoki, a post- combi pussy? I cannot get more graphic than that... the phrase is self explanatory!
As for men not chocking the chicken together.. let us just say you are naive.

Anonymous said...

Cant breathe....am in stitches...

Anonymous said...

Wa!

Where have I been. Whe...eeee....ya???

It's confirmed. You are a nut.

Anonymous said...

hey. i know i havent been intouch in a while. but i still read your blogs.i think i like this one best. take care

Iman said...

Njoki have you watched y tu mama tambien?

Charles J. said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.