Tuesday, April 11, 2006

MAISHA SIO SAWA

Have you ever been jacked…shieet!

I mean there are polite thugs- like those dudes who were singing hymns in the bank. Ama the guys who ingia a bar and throw you a rao. Decent fellows who remind me of church- the priests throws everyone a shot alafu… toa ndugu... toa dada..
Kila ulicho nacho! Hata mobile ni sawa.

But there are crazy obs. Huko in the cocks you are from the hanye; broke ass as per kawa. It is the jave, manze. Suddenly. Some guy in a suit huko nyuma goes:
“Na kwani hii gari inaenda wapi?’

The kange does not even look at him, he just sips on his breakfast Napshizzle and goes:

“Kwani wewe unaenda wapi?”

Another guy, behind the driver, non-chalantly:

“Si mimi naenda Gachie…kwani?”

Baas….People angaliana. They know the drill.

Now huko mbele:

“Dere si ukuje pande hii…”

It is a request.

Toa ndugu… toa dada

Kila ulichonacho. Lakini anza na mobile!

Si you are easy. You have been down this way before. They take you huko kwa kahawa; Nyari/ Peponi road, they give the dere a 2 soc for fries and directions to the nearest cop station. “Just patia us twenty minutes tutoroke alafu mwende mreport”

But this time wapi!

“kila mtu shini na utoe suruali ya ndani…”

“Haya shikana wawili wawili kama kwa safina”

Nao huko you kosad a takeaway at the rave and you are kidogo horny so you are turning with a smile….oops!

Mama Njeri your local mama mboga on her way back from marikiti. You start consoling yourself vile her two daughters are fine. In all ways. I mean you been there, done that…. But her, she is like 59 years. Is bilas.

“Haya angalia haka, kwani kanangoja Viagra?”

Haidhuru you say to yourself. Alafu uko na yako. Ni sawa tu. So you start to chomoa the Trust.

“Ngai, morio, haka ati kanavaa sii ndii…!”

Suddenly, there is a guy pistol whipping you into premature ejaculation screaming:

“Nyama kwa nyama”

Maisha sio sawa

11 comments:

KenyanMusings said...

LOOL, it was funny the way you talked about singing and all, but it really is shit scary at the end that whole scene!!
That is nasty, unkind not to mention the danger it exposes you to you know.
Gawd! eish!

Just rob me blind but leave me intact.

Light hearted but thought provoking post.
But you, you are mad!!

Sammie said...

Welcome to the world. And it does not stop either. In my hood they just stand there and ask you to pay your taxes as you pita. Bila hassle, coz they jua you jua them but what?

UTADO?

When darkness falls in the mtaa, you can almost hear their laughter, knowing that if its not you, today, it will be your neighbour.

Strong, bro, Strong. *said as i walk away, and tuck my new phone kwa Ngotha*

Kabinti said...

lol, hilarious but very sad.

POTASH said...

Thanks Kenyanmusings, sammie, kabintie for passing by: Isn't it crazy how it isn't enough to jack you.
It is what our country has come to. Kids have lots of issues to stick out to the world, lately.

Guessaurus said...

Hi Potash,
Tried commenting yesterday but nothing doing!

That story, however told, is still chilling. I am such a scaredy cat and wouldnt know how to handle it, but humour, I suppose might suffice looking at this one.

What to do eh?

POTASH said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
POTASH said...

haiya, Guess that is the trouble:looking at it humourously... 'tis strange but true... shieet!

Prousette said...

I am terribly sorry I laughed til my side are aching but that's a really scary episode there, not fair at all, tho I ask is it better if your partner kwa safina in young and good looking, and what if there are more men than wmen and vice versa really....

mshairi said...

I dont know much sheng but this is very funny. "kila mtu shini na utoe suruali ya ndani…” - priceless!

I like the way you change and use different styles of writing. Very impressive.

POTASH said...

AT pro... what happens is if they are more men than women, you pull a kashift. Those dudes are never in a hurry, as in they can chill for the jamaas to get ready for round two. Huko they are giving you storos..

Mshairi...enyewe you do not jus sheng. That phrase is not in sheng. That is bad swahili. It is no wonder I am postin on sheng today...

POTASH said...

AT pro... what happens is if they are more men than women, you pull a kashift. Those dudes are never in a hurry, as in they can chill for the jamaas to get ready for round two. Huko they are giving you storos..

Mshairi...enyewe you do not jus sheng. That phrase is not in sheng. That is bad swahili. It is no wonder I am postin on sheng today...