THE NIGHT OF THE RATTLESNAKES

(The incidental rant of a vindicated Streetosopher)

Thought I told you they came in the night? They always come in the night. But you thought the Napshizzle had finally flambed my sparse grey matter. And when I mentioned uzis and balaclavas, you thought I hadn’t outgrown Hardy Boys. No, Infact you said the inhalations- THC, Nitrous Oxide et al- from my sojourn at Dinda’s Lab had hit critical mass.

When they came for me, you thought I was on an Acid Trip; then they came for you…

Thur, 1045hrs- Wake up
1046 hrs- Stand outside the door waiting for a breakfast half- life
1048hrs- Start walking towards… something
1050hrs- Pick a shirt from the cloths lines to the left ( I have done the right for two days
in a row)
1052hrs- One Love Licker Store- 205 Ml napshizzle- Credit
1053hrs- Baba Jimmy’s Café and Bicycle Repairs- supu ya ashu- credit
(Oops, I haven’t paid them in four days. Think I will pass.)
1058hrs- Mutua’s Kiosk- Safari Mbili- Plus za jana itakuwa ashu- Ongeza kwa bill.
1101hrs- Vaite’s Veve Base- Hola at peeps- dandia a half-life
1106hrs- Kamwana’s Video Parlour- Review his latest, Not- a – camera- copy- I – Swear- VCD of “The Constance Gardenia…’

Having skipped Baba Jimmy’s Café, 1101hrs last Thursday found me parting the beaded entrance into the cavernous depths of Kamwana’s Video Parlour. On a day like that, I expected to find only Kamwana there with the isn’t- he- gorgeous- boy, Timi. That Timi who together with your worthy Narrator acts as the ‘hoods art, literature and Film critic as well as purveyor and connoisseur of all that which is a sine qua non of pseudo-intellectualism. (The Cognoscenti if you will!) Ther are perks deriving from that job including getting to watch all movies at Kamwana’s Video Parlour for free and hyping them up to the public with genteel rhetoric to the tune of: “..He, Hiyo Movie ni kali…!” Or the more enticing: “Kwanza Mutua’s Kiosk is huko in that movie…” That line is probably true in relation to the theatrical release of the movie on show that day but Kamwana’s copy was starring a certain Rachel Wretch, or so I presumed considering the text on the sleeve was in Chinese.

Anyway, I was in for a rude shock. The place was fuller that it gets during the late night “beef’ session ( Si you jua, Six- movies- for – one- ticket…ehe!) All the ‘ hood rats, lager louts, and low- lifes were in there stinking up the place like an overnight nyongi. Njane was ther- nare, bila gaff. Kimi had a nyongi Mary Jane, bile light and Mbech; well Mbech as per kawa was wearing his fingers thin and cackling, “Half- life; Choma Hiyo Fegi” Bila gaff, Bila Blunt Bila Life…aighh…Kizeee!

“Potash, Si you hook me up with a sip!” It is some chick, huko nyuma; Bobo, Kari…who cares? So I Lenga.
“Sup Timi!”
“lupa Dawg…hit me!”
I pass him the Napshizzle. He knocks it against his elbow, twists the cap and guzzles with one fluid move. He passes the can back. It is exactly 102.5 Ml left in there. I know that. Everyone Know that. We call it Level; not a drop more, not a drop less.
“Aightt..aiigghhhtt..” I mumble as I sip leisurely, starring at the screen.

Okay, it is not even a movie all this punks is watching. It is TV. Please. Okay, that is Reverend Musyimi there and the president, huko next to Ms Karua. “What you mean, Musyimi has been appointed to the cabinet?” Not exactly, I am told. But seriously the good Reverend has too many jobs. I get the feeling often times that NARC created the jobs alright and Reverend Musyimi started collecting Tithes in kind. But you cannot begrudge the fellow none: in Kenya the only fellows in constant employ are reverends, Brewers and grave diggers. And the Reverend stays one up because he still has a graveside gig and always gets to celebrate a brew during mass.

Oh…TV! Now I am informed that it is not a swearing in ceremony but rather like the government is launching yet another corrupt body. “Certainly, that is not news!” I observe. Ofcourse it isn’t, everyone agrees. “What we want to know is what they were doing last night!” “Ah, come on, go read Kenya Inconfidential or some…!” I bellow. “If we can find it…” Timi says. “They burnt The Standard.” “You mean B.A.N.N.E.D?” I ask. “No” says Timi “They burnt it like they were trying to prove there is something else that burn better that their Draft Constitution”
“Maranatha….Hell hath no fury like a Government Scorned!”

Readership, when I told you the government had gone more rotten than gonorrheal pudenda, y’all thought I was Tilting at Windmills. Some said the Delirium Tremens had finally set in- like rigour mortis of my brain muscle or something!

TV: Cut to a senior minister struggling with his own security detail for a chance to talk to the press. His security men know his type- they are their own enemies- but the boss prevails. He is after all, Senior Chief Kimendeero- The Boa Constrictor. (And quite an agile fellow he is for his age that can put his foot in his mouth with such ease.)

“Bwana Waziri…”
“If you rattle snake you must be ready to be bitten by it.”

But of course. If my memory does me justice, I recall my grandfather telling me that that is exactly what the ngatis used to tell MauMau apologists before setting their houses on fire…


Addendum
Since they came in the night, I have been looking for a lawyer- pro bono of course- to get me one of those cool things every Tom, Dick and Murgor is getting; anticipatory bail, and stays of prosecution. I need such to stall the snake a while till I get my voter’s card and keep it close… Fimbo ya mbali haiui nyoka!

The hands that picked the voter’s card will pick the next president.