Monday, February 02, 2009


Once in a while a story comes up that is, admittedly, beyond the imagination of the sexually perverted moron that authors this blog. A story so up his alley- the purveying of sleaze and the bashing of the Save Africa brigade- that it is shelved.

Well, but let us face it, the reason why I did not blog about the Porn for Charity story when I first had it was because:

a) I was angry I had not thought of the idea first;
b) I could not believe that they shot this in Kenya without me
c) I had to spend weeks and weeks of, elusive, internet time trying to find a bootleg copy of the video.

And now that I have slightly got over the first two issues, by abusing myself to the titillations of Japanese AV (yes Nana, you didn't hola at this tribesman but know that his seed is spattered over all corner workstations in every cybercafe in downtown Nairobi), I can write this.

Okay this is where some people take a deep breath or others sing Kumbaya but I will watch just one more Japanese schoolgirl action take before I can write the next sentence.


Now where were we... Yes, issue three has not been fully resolved yet. The first thing I did when I learnt of the existence of the video was to email several Japanese girls of my sexual acquaintance asking them if they would be kind enough to send me the video. Unfortunately none of them replied and it is understandable considering the language barrier seeing as to how all the conversations I ever had with them begun with:

“You. Me. Jiggi... Jiggi?”

And ended with:

“Africa Jiggi good, No?”
“Africa Jiggi gooood, Yeeeesssss!”

Okay, the truth is that one responded. In Japanese. (Readers Voice: How resourceful!) But reader doesn't know what I know, that Google Translate is the one true International Postman- delivering smut to those who hanker after it, across language and geographical barriers, to even places beyond that point its sister, GoogleMaps, says be dragons. So I hit translate and:

You dirty little monkey.

You have a right to your own reading of her response but you must remain cognisant of how much of the nuance of meaning is lost in translation. Besides most of this software is written by Indians who got to America in shipping crates and ended up in Silicon Valley having miraculously evaded the TOEFL. So to every man his reading, mine being:

You: refers to me, silly!
Dirty: refers to the things I made her do, or the place I made her do it
Little: I do not know what that refers to but what it does not refer to- a part of my anatomy
Monkey: The reader can Sambo this to absurdity but I was recently informed that Monkey is a term of endearment in certain cultures

But I am yet to receive the video from her so I assume she is still trying to copy out my name and address, or (because a man can hope) making a video of herself to send over as bonus footage.

The upside of my weeks long search is that I have had a thorough recap of Japanese porn and been amazed at how much non-pixelleted stuff has come out since I been gone. Dude, the girls are even shaven now! But not even Time magazine could lure me to what they refer to as Japan's Booming Sex Niche: Elder Porn. Not, even with a turn-on title like Maniac Training of Lolitas because, prejudiced I am not but a porno featuring a 74 year old Jap is nothing more than a Viagra ad. I mean, honestly, who can survive Hiroshima, Nagasaki and the Yakuza and still get it up? But I will keep an eye out on this Kamikaze and hope that one of his dives might give us a snuff film that will, while lacking any erotic appeal, have a comic one.

But you know, I really should be surfing this city for a couch to crash out on tonight rather than surfing the net for bukake!